Another Day Another Post

Good Morning! After reading my last post I realized I probably should wait 8 hours after anything traumatic happens around here BEFORE I start blogging...what an emotional wreck I was that night. What we go through for and with our kids.

My sister came to stay with Mom and Dad the weekend of the 20th and my brother helped out this past weekend so that I could go to Leacie's basketball in GBO and Wilkesboro. It was the first time since Dad has gotten so hard to move and being the control freak I am, I left them pages with our daily schedule and instructions. I was so afraid he or she might be insulted but hopefully it made things easier. Both weekends seemed to have gone really well, and I know Mom enjoyed having someone besides me to talk to. When I got home last night, I just loved all over him. It felt like I had been gone weeks instead of days. I understand what my sister sees when she visits. Just being gone two days made me realize how frail he is. I was so touchy and gooey, I think I scared him a little!

Dad is in a grunting, moaning, puffing, sucking his teeth mode today. It is a one of the symptoms of his vascular dementia/alzheimer's that bothers me. He can get extremely loud and at times it can go on for hours. Just listening makes my throat hurt and exhausts me. When I talk to other caregivers, the noises and bathroom issues are the big ones people want ideas to cope with. We gave him trazadone last night because he was wild eyed and nervous which kind of puts him out of it the next day.

Last week I was able to take part of a day that was just for ME. When I left my job last April, the owners gave me a gift certificate to a spa. I went last Thursday and had a facial, massage and manicure - HEAVEN. Now, if I could only figure out how to afford it once a month...hm....

Please continue all your prayers, good thoughts and emails - I appreciate it more than you know.

Mother/Daughter

Tonight my heart is heavy. The daily struggle of caring for Dad has become routine but the emotional demand changes so much day to day. Mothers can relate to the roller coaster. There are days that go smoothly, there are days that I feel like I have bargained with him all day, there are many days I just give in, there are days you just let it go because nothing is going like it should. I remember having the same emotions and exhaustion when the kids were little. So what's harder? Being a daughter having to do things for your Father you never anticipated or being a Mother and being unable to do something for your child.

I said my heart is heavy. Tonight it isn't because of Poppa. Tonight I had to watch my child come to terms with a big disappointment. No details. I have watched this child go through so much in their short life and never be down or despondent. Tonight my child cried. So, here I sit trying to figure out how to fix things. To make the situation okay. But, this is not something a Mother can change or repair. I have to let this go. I will still offer encouragement and comfort, I will try to make it better, but I cannot change what happened. So, that's why I sit here at midnight crying and doing my best to keep from crawling into bed with my baby and holding them all night.

So, what's harder? Watching the man I thought was invincible slowly wither away or watching my baby and knowing that this is not the last pain they will experience or the last time they will be let down.

I think I've lost the battle -I think I'm going to crawl into bed with my child. Goodnight and blessings.

Cantankerous Rainy Days

Woke up tired, which is not a good sign and when I went to get Dad out of the bed he cussed me and told me to go away...What a way to start the day, huh? So, I put on my preschool teacher voice and face and talked him out of the bed and into the bathroom. He keeps trying to find someone to be mad at all day. Mom was bragging on his pretty blue eyes and he told her to go away and quit making fun of him. I was moving him from the wheelchair and he yelled at me that he couldn't carry me and him. Mom and I laugh and then he gets even more mad. It makes for a difficult day when everything is a fight -

BUT, he is cussing, yelling, and fussing at us, which means...he's speaking. Days like today you have to watch him like a hawk. He'll take off his oxygen, won't leave on the mask for his nebulizer treatment and he's likely to spit out any meds when you turn your back. He is definitely is in his terrible twos today.

So, pray for patience and that we can keep laughing over top of his head at each other. Because according to him, "He didn't ask for this s**t!"

Spring Forward

Such a beautiful warm spring day and I am sitting here still in my pajamas on the computer. I was up last night until after 1am waiting on Bo to come home. He's a great kid and wasn't out doing what I probably would have been doing at 18 - but I can't sleep until he's home safe. Did anyone else's Mom used to say that? The Ayatollah Ole Meanie used to say that to me all the time and I would think, "well that's stupid"...now I'm saying it.

Poppa is not having a good day. No talking, no eyes open, drooling, snoring and grunting. I thought he might be running a low grade fever last night, but today it is normal. I made/encouraged him to walk from breakfast and to and from lunch, but I had to keep reminding him to open his eyes and lift his feet. Days like today, I thank God for the gait belt. There is no way I could manage moving him from place to place without it. He won't be walking anymore today, except moving from chair to wheelchair, wheelchair to bed etc. He is having such bad spasms he can't stand up without assistance. He cannot follow simple directions. His body and brain have shut down today. Nothing in, nothing out. This usually means, he has either been over stimulated (not lately) or his body is fighting something. We will keep a close eye for any symptoms that may show themselves.

Going to try to motivate myself to shower, dress and maybe go for a walk with the poodle.

I love you

Today Poppa told me he loved me. I also heard him tell Mom he loved her as well. I cried both times. He was in a "panic" mood today. These are the days he sits around wild eyed, watching us very carefully like he's trying to figure out who we are or where he's at. These are the days that are hardest on me. The days he's sick are difficult, but the days he's scared - those are the worst. I can't stand the thought of him being scared. These are days Mom and I are quiet and spend alot of time touching him and looking him in the eyes. These are the days I Hate. So, in the midst of all this fear, he looked at me and said, "I love you." I pray for him to sleep tonight. He usually tosses, turns and grunts all night after a panic mood day. I moved the head of his hospital bed closer to Mom's bed so that she could reach out and touch him during the night. He doesn't understand why they are sleeping in seperate beds for the first time in 57 years. He asked her last night if she could get in bed with him.
Don't take what I am about to say wrong, but often times I wonder, why is he still here? There's got to be a purpose/reason/explanation AND will I ever know it? So, I just take everyday and enjoy it and days like today when he looks at me with those beautiful blue eyes and says, "I love you" I don't care why he's here. I'm just glad he is.